Of course, this feeling won’t last long. I have already started to research a way for me to go to Italy this winter over xmas break. I am feeling mildly selfish due to a few epiphanies in life and I have decided that I need to stop postponing happiness in hopes that it will come from someone or something else. Nothing has made me genuinely happy other than my own actions and plans. I need to take some responsibility for my own joy and get moving on things in life that really matter.

Sure, having a significant other is great and stuff but what about when it ends? If happiness is based on them being around then that means my happiness stops when that relationship does. That’s stupid and I’ve been stupid. The last thing I want to do is look back on my life and be like “geez, I sacrificed all these things in life for men and they all left me high and dry with nothing but a broken heart.” I’ve decided, until they say “I do”, I am number one. It is silly to put men first when they don’t do that same for you and that seems to be the way men want to be. Silly boys.

So, for my Xmas break this year….I’m leaving. I am not inviting anyone. I’m going alone and it will be good. I kinda want to spend a week in Rome without any conversation. Just look at all the things that make my heart skip a beat and not have to try to explain why. I want to sit outside of Augustus’ mausoleum, close my eyes and day-dream. I don’t want to compromise on what I want to see or do or eat. I want to do what I want and not have to convince anyone of why we should do what I want. I figure if I want to do what I want…I should just DO what I want. This will mean some loneliness in life but that’s ok. Being alone, single and a party of one isn’t the end of the world.

I feel average, boring, simple and just plain lame.

I want to feel special, different, appreciated and thought about. I feel none of those things.

My right foot is very puffy. Rightfully so, it sat through hours of torturous tattooing on its’ tender top parts. I knew the top of my foot would be sensitive but I hadn’t been ready for the absolutely excruciating pain that I was going to endure. There were a few brief moments where I almost wished I was in labor instead of being tattooed. Those little needles pounding into the boney top of my foot was terrible. When the artist would wipe away the blood and ooze from my foot it felt broken. All the tiny bones and tendons screamed and tensed and it seemed like it would never end. There were times when the needle would hit a spot that caused my leg to immediately tense up or shake. When it was all over, the relief was unreal. It felt like I had just given birth except instead of a crying infant I now had a bunch of stuff on my feet.

Now, my foot is a puffy thing that glistens from the A and D ointment I have smeared all over it. I can’t see any of the bones or veins and when I step down it feels like the skin is going to split like a hot dog in the microwave. Wonderful mental picture, right? The foot looks like a puffy, dense loaf of bread with little sausages sticking out as toes. I still have the other foot to do as well as finishing all the detailing and shading. Pure fucking torture.

It will be pretty when it is done. Once the pain, swelling, peeling and healing takes place it will be nice. It was inspired by a quote from the Stoic Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. The right foot says “Receive without Conceit” and the left foot will say “Release without Struggle”. Surrounded by the script will be stylized acanthus leaves. Right now the right foot has script and the background colors for the leaves. When it is all healed the definition and shading on the leaves will be added. Right now it just looks like a bunch of green and puff. Good thing I am used to things being unfinished for awhile.

I spent time with Nate today. We ate lunch, chatted, went to the bookstore and then went over to our friend Rod’s house to discuss tattoos. I have an appointment with Rod for tomorrow to get my feet tattooed. I am looking forward to it! After that I came back to Chris’s and did a little laundry. It is 1:15am here and I should be sleeping but I don’t feel ready. Maybe a movie will lure me to sleep.

I am excited to see Tami and her crew this week. I can’t wait to play with Ezra and let Asher run wild with the older boys. I will enjoy petting the cats and sitting on Tami’s couch discussing life. I am sure she will ask me a dozen questions about Brian, since she is the match maker in that whole deal. Of course I will gush because I adore him.

I’m not feeling thoughtful tonight. I am tired, kinda sweaty and in need of some quiet time. Asher is never quiet….

Yesterday morning, while eating breakfast, I overheard a waitress telling a group of customers that many of the men in her family have joined the Marines because there is “nuthin’ ta do in Alabama”. I looked up from my meal and her eyes caught mine, I smiled. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, but I didn’t. I wanted to tell her that I could find happiness in Alabama and that any place can be satisfying if you make it satisfying.

It is not Alabama’s responsibility to make it’s inhabitants happy or to entertain them. Alabama provides rivers, wildlife, mountains, the Gulf of Mexico, great food, hiking, good bike riding, and beautiful scenery. The downtown area of Huntsville has some of the most beautiful historic houses I have ever seem. There are vast areas of land with trails, trees, and silence. There are plenty of go malls, places to skateboard and play, bookstores, Starbucks, and other aspects of civilization that most people enjoy having around. So, why does this woman’s family members think there is “nuthin’ ta do in Alabama”?

It’s the same reason people get bored with any place they live. Life is what you make it. Any place can be great if you want it to be. Everyone is expecting to leave the place that they have called home because they think the grass is greener somewhere else. Sometimes it is, but sometimes the problem isn’t where they live but they themselves. It isn’t Alabama’s fault that this woman’s family members can make their own grass green and had to join to military. These people really trying to escape themselves, they just don’t know it.

I have done the same thing. I have moved around randomly and spontaneously in search of something different. Sometimes I find it, usually I do not. Happiness is not based on where I am but, rather, who I am. This isn’t to say that one must stay in the same place forever in order to find true happiness. There are many places I plan on visiting over the course of my life and many places I would like to live before I die. I just like to think that there is something positive about every place in the entire world. Boredom is a result of one’s own inability to create a fun and positive situation for themselves where ever they are and is not reflective of the true nature of the place they are.

Truthfully, I do not want to live in a ghetto in Detroit, a famine plagued African country, or Baghdad. These places scare me. I think I could find beauty and fun in these places but the danger might outweigh the positives. I think people are right to want to leave places like this in search of a better, safer and more stable life somewhere else. However, Huntsville, AL is no ghetto, food is plentiful and there is no active war being waged. Why run from a place that can provide a good life for you if you just looked at it from the right perspective?

I like you, Alabama. I hope your friendly people, hot summers, and land teaming with living creatures becomes a regular part of my life. I will never get bored with you, I promise.

My thoughts have been all over the place lately. It is time for me to begin my applications for graduate school and so I have begun to make a list of the schools I would be interested in attending. I am being realistic, Harvard is not on my list. My list includes schools from many parts of the country and I am hoping that I will be accepted to multiple schools so I can have some good options to choose from.

One of my schools choices is Vanderbilt in Nashville, TN. Not only is “Vandy” under two hours drive from where Brian lives in Alabama, but it is an excellent school with a good law program with options for a dual degree. When I showed Brian the list of schools I plan to apply to, he asked why I was applying to so many when so many of them would be places I wouldn’t want to go (such as some tier 3 schools). I explained that I wanted a lot of options because I didn’t know where my life would be in March/April when the acceptance/rejection letters start rolling in. I told him that while right now I really would love to live closer to him, I knew I couldn’t guarantee that that’s how I’d feel when the time to choose came along. He agreed, though he seemed reluctant in doing so.

My hesitancy on sticking to the “I am totally moving to the south” attitude is due to my own personal insecurities. I worry that in less than a year this person who has referred to me as his “Dream Girl” will no longer feel this way. Putting all my eggs in one man’s basket is not a good idea. However, I don’t want my decision to apply to places all over the country to see as though I am planning on walking away from him. It’s just me covering my ass, really.

I see a future with Brian. The other day we drove up to this place called Green Mountain and went for a 2.5 mile hike with Asher. It was beautiful there and I told him how lovely it would be to own land and built a house in that area. I told him I wanted to raise some chickens, grow some food, work from home and have a porch swing. He responded that he liked this idea and that he would like living on Green Mountain with me. He tells me likes waking up to me everyday and that he loves me. Why is this not enough for me? He is a very honest person and he wouldn’t lie to me about something like this. Why can I know this but not believe 100%? I keep waiting for him to start a conversation with “I really like spending time with you BUT….”.

Sometimes I can convince myself that I am being silly, other times I cannot. It is my hope that this conversation with him will never happen. He is a great person and I could see myself spending my life with him and being happy. My plan is to ignore these insecurities before they wreck something. Last night I had an overwhelming wave of anxiety about our relationship. I didn’t have any real reason to and I was frustrated with myself because of this. Before bed, Brian had rubbed my back and talked with me about all kinds of positive things but when he turned on his side to go to sleep (back towards me so he wouldn’t lay on his dog bite arm) I suddenly felt stiffed. I had no reason to feel this way, seriously. I am embarrassed that I felt this way. The anxiety gave me an instant feeling of sadness and the usual physical issues. I wanted so badly to wake him up and talk to him about what was bothering me but he was deep asleep and I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person. He had a GF once that had issues and I do not want to end up dumped like she did. I think that when I feel secure and can trust I am a pretty decent girlfriend and these are things he cannot make me feel. I have to learn to be secure and have trust on my own. We all have our demons, these are mine.

Brian is a wonderful person. He cares about other people and genuinely wants everyone he knows to be happy. He is very honest about his feelings and has no problem being emotional. I know he doesn’t say things to me to “be nice” or “not hurt my feelings”. He has told me that he sees a real future with me and even though he knows we will be apart for at least a year while I finish my 2nd BA he says “it’s only a year, it will go by so fast. I am not giving up on our relationship just because of distance.” He has told me that he feels like I am the one he has been waiting for and that I am one of the best things to happen to him in a really long time. Yet, even in having these things said to me, I still feel unsure and insecure. I want to convince myself that my thoughts are irrational but at the same time I do not want to be wrong and feel duped when I get dumped.

I want to get married, maybe have another child, grow some food, tend to chickens, never mow a lawn, ride bikes all over, swing on my porch swing while drinking coffee with someone awesome, travel and enjoy my life. Brian wants these things and he says he wants them with me. I think it is time that I accept what he says as truth. I think it is time I realize that even if my insecurities come true and I do get dumped and have to deal with that outcome (btw, my plan B will be to embrace single widowhood and get on with like as a cat lady and move to Rome!) I will only speed up the process of suffering by not enjoying myself now. I should enjoy my relationship while I have it because worrying just makes me suffer. If I get dumped in the end at least I won’t have spent the entire relationship worrying. At least I can be like “yeah it sucks I have to deal with this breakup but at least I was happy during the relationship”. No use in starting my suffering early! So, today I will not worry. I will not over analyze statements he has made or dwell on unfounded suspicions. Today I will have fun with my kid and embrace Brian when he comes home from work. I will tell him I love him and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him being in my life. The future is uncertain so it makes sense to make the most of today.

My lovely therapist and I have been exploring some of my “issues”. I obsess over other people dying and I also have some serious fears of abandonment and rejection. It’s embarrassing to admit that…but it is what it is. After talking about some of my past relationships and experiences, she decided I needed to dive deeper into some of them. This week, my homework is to discuss Jacob and see what happened with him. Hopefully these memories will help pinpoint how this relationship has affected me.

I met Jacob when I was in 11th grade. I had seen him at school a few times but didn’t think much of him. He was straightedge, that much I knew, but we didn’t run with the same crew. He was Christian and liked Christian hardcore. I wasn’t really into that stuff and to my group of friends thought it was kinda dorky. I remember seeing Jacob at school once with green hair but he gave me a semi-dirty look so I never spoke to him. It wasn’t until I was at a show with a bunch of friends including my boyfriend at the time, Joe, that Jacob and I actually spoke. Some non-sxe kids had started a fight with Jacob and his friends and my friends had stepped in. After the fight, we were all outside and I befriended Jacob. We started spending lunchtime together, with other people,  and became pals.

We didn’t date right away but we did hangout together. We started to share more friends in common and I began to have a soft spot for him. Jacob had a couple girlfriends while we were friends and I had a few boyfriends. We would go to shows together and I started to get a crush on him. Somehow during my senior year I really started to like him and I could tell he liked me. I broke up with my boyfriend, Aaron, and Jacob and I started dating.

Two weeks into our relationship I had regrets about breaking up with Aaron. I was crushed when Aaron told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he had a new girlfriend that he had planned to marry. I told Jacob this and he got mad, rightfully so, and we broke up. About 2 weeks later he called me and we chatted. I asked him to hangout and he said he couldn’t “because he loved me and it was too hard to see me and not be with me.” So sappy at 18, aren’t we? Anyways, we hung out, had sex and were an item once again. We stayed together for about 10 months.

In these 10 months, I was a ball of anxiety. Jacob had some female friends, totally platonic but I didn’t care, and I hated them. I felt like the one girl was always trying to become his new girlfriend and I didn’t trust her at all. He insisted they were just friends, which they were. However, it ate me up whenever they would hangout. I started to become very clingy with him because I felt like I was losing him everyday, even when I wasn’t. We argued a lot. I remember one night when I was upset about something and I started to cry and he just ignored me, laid on his bed and went to sleep. I had to let myself out of his house. He would get really cold to me when I would become sad or when I would bring up issues in our relationship. He was a fun guy but resentment grew. He seemed to resent the fact  I had a lot of “cool friends” in the hardcore scene that didn’t like him. I resented the fact that he had many female friends that I knew had other feelings for him, regardless of whether they admitted it. He worked a lot and went to school and was terribly moody. He wasn’t always nice to me and my feelings felt perpetually hurt. I was obsessed with him in some ways and distanced myself from friends while we were together. I really cared about him but I didn’t know what to do. I was a kid.

I met someone at my work and we started sleeping together. He was sweet and funny and we had fun. Jacob suspected something but never really confronted me about it. At some point I became pregnant and in true Maury Povich fashion….I wasn’t sure if Jacob or the other guy was the dad. I told Jacob and he gave me money for an abortion. I drove to the clinic alone and cried. When it was over, I became sick from the anesthesia and had to pull over several times to throw up. It sucked, I had no support. (Note: I do not regret the choice to have an abortion AT ALL, but going alone with no support was pretty wack).

After that, we just didnt get along. He was moody, depressed and mean to me. We broke up and I was so upset. I tried to get back together with him multiple times, it never worked. I tried losing weight, showing up in new clothes, writing him letters, giving him gifts….all kinds of things…to win him back. It never worked. A couple months later he was dating someone else and I was pretty upset. We hung out a few more times after we broke up and we were intimate, even though he had other girlfriends. I liked the feeling of power I had when he would cheat on girlfriends with me. It was a way to “get him back” even for a short period of time.

Years later, when we were chatting on the phone one day after I had met Joey, he admitted to me that one of the “platonic girlfriends” had totally come onto him and admitted she had liked him all that time. He had turned her down and told me I had been right all along. Somehow this has just made me think that every time I get a feeling about a girl and her motives that I am correct. I do not trust girls. I do not trust them to be any less shady than I have been in the past.

I cheated on Jacob and was most likely not always that nice to him. I cared about him though and I still think about him fondly on occasion. I emailed him when his brother committed suicide a few years back to send my condolences. When I look back, it was with this relationship that my anxieties seem to start. I was never anxious with Aaron, I always trusted him. Always. With Jacob, something changed. Aaron was a lot more affectionate with me and open about his feelings and Jacob was not.

Perhaps I just need reassurance? Perhaps when I don’t get it I begin to think things are going terribly wrong when they aren’t? I’ve been with a lot of trustworthy men that weren’t very vocal with their affections towards me and I think that is where my anxiety starts to get the best of me. It makes me a different person and creates a monster.

Robbie Frasier-This is the first person I remember having a crush on. I lived in Orange so I must have been in 3rd-5th grade. He never liked me and he was kinda dumb. He went to the special classes and had terrible spelling. He did, however, have nice blue eyes, super blonde hair and was popular. I was smitten for quite some time.

Jacob Jerome-Jake lived on my block in San Clemente. He road my bus and was in the same grade as me…6th. He was popular, tall and blonde. He had a great smile and amazing teeth. He was always very nice to me and would sometimes cht with me while we walked home from the bus. I was always shy and never really knew what to say to him. I liked him from 6th-7th grade. He was liked by ll the popular girls and was “boyfriend/girlfriend” with a few. I never hung out with him outside of school and have no idea what happened to him. I think he’s Christian and probably has the perfect family now.

I don’t remember who I liked in junior high too much. I am sure I had a crush on someone but I can’t recall who. I know I had a few awkward experiences with men who were too old to be hanging out with me and my friends. One experience on Halloween of my 9th grade year, I must have been 14 yrs old. I was dressed as a Girl Scout for Halloween and he was the neighbor of the girl who I was staying with that night. She left me at his house to go make out with some dude. He tried to get me to go into his bedroom and kept touching me in areas that we shall not speak of. I kept my clothes on and left as soon as I knew I could get into my friends house. Another time, at this same friends house, some dudes spent the night. This dickhead named Tim kept trying to touch me while I was sleeping. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was glad I never saw him again. I did hear later that he had impregnantd 2 girls at my highschool…sisters. Now that’s classy.

Ben-In 9th grade I had a fellow band member that I liked. He was a senior and I can’t remember what he played. He was nice and used to write me notes. He was my first kiss. I also snuck out a few times to meet him but kissing is as far as it ever went. I switched schools and we stopped hanging out. I don’t remember being hurt. I am still in contact with him. He’s married and lives in NV now.

Amador-Friend of my friend, Dathan. We liked eachother and he was really sweet. But, being so young, it was hard to keep in contact with him and hangout due to lacking cars. Could have been a good boyfriend but I had to let him go. I think about him sometimes still just because he was a nice guy.

Garrett-When I switched high schools I met a dude named Garrett. He was Straightedge, I wasn’t. He was very nice and was super sweet to me. I broke up with him because I met some guy in Huntington. I regreted it a little because the other guy ended up being a total dick. Garrett ended up dating some other girl at his new high school and I was super pissed. I think I threatened her or something dumb. Garrett now lives in Texas with his family.

Luke-He really liked me but I wasn’t that into him. I just felt weird being with him because he was so into me. I broke up with him after about a month and I don’t even remember why. Very nice guy. If I met him now and I was single I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

Brandon-9th grade. Dumped Garrett for this guy. He was Straightedge and a complete asshole. We were never an item, though I wanted to be. He was many years older than me and took advantage of me a bit. Never had sex, but he tried and failed. He ended up trying to get with one of my other female friends instead who would put out. Fucking dickhead. I stopped talking to him because he sucked. Haven’t seen him in at least 13 years or so. Good riddance.

Darren-No idea why I am putting this guy in here. I was 15, he was 26. He kissed me while walking down Main St in Huntington Beach and held my hand. We all hung with the same crew. I declined his offer to stay at his house, thankfully. I avoided him from then on whenever I was in HB.

Troy-(15 yrs old) Straightedge kid that I actually wish I still knew. Made out, no sex. Stayed friends until we lost touch many years ago. Heard he ended up with a heroin problem and that kinda bummed me out. I still look for him on social networking sites because we were actually friends and had good times together. So far I haven’t had luck in finding him.

Jacob M-(15 yrs old) I had a huge crush on him. Straightedge, Mexican and kinda chubby but not in a bad way. Friends with Troy. He stayed over one night at my friends house with me and we made out. I really liked him and felt bummed the next day when he acted weird with me. We never spoke again after that. Serves me right for thinking that physical stuff means anything more than what it is.

Joe A-(15-16 yrs old) Met him through my friend Dathan at a hardcore show. Straightedge. First “real” boyfriend. He was in a hardcore band, we had tons of mutual friends (and still do). I lost my virginity to him. We dated about 8 months before he broke up with me for this buck toothed bitch named Joanne. Christy and I tried to jump Joanne after this but we failed when someone got wind of it and called the cops on us. I sat on a curb instead and got lectured about fighting. I would have liked to knock her teeth out. Funny, about 7 months after Joe broke up with me, he called me said he had made a mistake. I took him back for one week before dumping his ass for someone else. He recently contacted me via Facebook and apologized for ever hurting my feelings. He is now married with a daughter and we are going to make plans to get together soon. I’m actually really excited to see him again.

Dean and Cliff-(16) Not at the same time, promise! I was with Dean, then Cliff and then Dean again in between getting back together with Joe A. Dean was in a band and I was really into him. However, he lived in NV and I only got to see him when he came to town. Never slept with Dean, kinda wish I had! Cliff really liked me. I was embaressed of Cliff because he was a nerd and kinda femme. He gave me flowers, told me he loved me and was good in bed. I walked away from him when I got back with Joe A. We saw eachother at a show a few years ago and it was kinda awkward. He’s married to some not-so-pretty girl but hey, I bet she’s nicer to him than I was. He also introduced me to the world of Morrissey and The Smiths, so that’s good.

Punk Rock Ben-Straightedge punk rock kid, super nice. He really liked my friend Christy but she didnt like him. He told me “once I really got to know her, I didnt like her anymore”. He started hanging out with me. While walking him to his car one night he kissed me. I liked him as a person but was embaressed of how he looked too much too get involved. Mohawks, chains and ripped tight jeans just weren’t my thing. We lost touch because I pulled away from him because my feelings just werent where his were. Nice guy, hope he found someone awesome.

Aaron S-(16-17) First person I honestly think I loved. Straightedge. Marine, older than me but not in a creepy way. He was from Salt Lake City and my parents liked him. He used to come over for dinner all the time. I took his virginity. He got me pregnant (I had an abortion, obviously). He wanted to marry me and gave me a ring. I promptly lost the ring one afternoon at UCLA while visiting my cousin. I broke up with Aaron after about 10 months of being together because 1) he was getting a little controlling and 2) I had a serious crush on someone else. I regretted breaking up with Aaron not too long afterwards but he had already landed a new girlfriend that he said he was going to marry. He never married that girl but he did cheat on her with me. He also cheated on his next girlfriend (who he did end up marrying)  with me. I enjoyed the power trip from taking these girls man even if they didn’t know it. I lost touch with Aaron because we fought so much even as friends. He kept trying to control me and he wasn’t evn my boyfriend. He contacted me a few years ago and I am glad I never married him. His wife (now his ex-wife) is a hot mess, neither of them did anything awesome with their lives except get shitty tattoos, gain weight and have a kid. My future could have sucked ass.

Jacob W-(17-18) Aww, Jacob. Straightedge. Good friend for a couple years before we started dating. Took Jacob’s virginity. Got pregnant because I was careless, had an abortion and was mildly upset about it. He insisted and paid for it. Hung out with the same group of people for a few years. He may have had some depression issues and he was terribly moody. He would pull away from me emotionally and it made me nuts. On a few occasions when I cried around him, he turned over in bed and ignored me completely. He could be very cold. He broke up with me and I was insanely upset about it and may have acted a little over the top. We slept together many times after we broke up. Kept in contact for a few years even after I had met Joey and lived in PA. He is now married with a couple kids and lives locally.

Tim D-Shamefully, I cheated on Jacob W. with this guy. Took his virginity too. He had the smallest wiener I have ever seen but was a sweet dude and I enjoyed his company. We would make veggie burgers at 10pm, go swimming and spend the night together. We listened to a lot of Tool together. Lost touch with him years ago.

Johnny-(18) Family friend, known him since we were kids. Came to stay at our house for several weeks. We hit it off and ended up having sex the whole time he was there. We liked eachother but we lived too far away. He told me I was beautiful. I still know him. He is married with kids and lives in Kansas. His wife looks a bit like a tranny but I have met her and she is really nice.

Cory L-Dumbass. Made the mistake of getting involved with this dickhead and learned real fast why I dislike Bulldogs, Pugs and dudes like him. Had sex on our first “date” and he wanted me to say really  corny shit during sex. His dogs used to barf all the time on the floor. I hated them. He constantly made comments about how hot he thought my friends were. He disgusted me often and I tolerated him for 3 weeks before dumping his ass and never talking to him again. I think I know his cousin now but we never mention him, thank god.

Tony S-(18-19) He was a few years older than I was. Straightedge. From MI. Took his virginity. REALLY nice guy. Bought me great gifts, not expensive gifts but gifts that let me know he KNEW me and gave a shit about what I was about. He was super sensitive and funny. HUGE mistake when I dumped him for someone else. He was really upset and ended up hating me. I tried to apologize when I realized that I had been shitty to him for no reason and he totally dissed me. I deserved it. He is married to a cute girl in Chicago and has a son. We never talk though, kind of a bummer.

Nick K-(18-19) Straightedge. Lived in San Luis Obispo so I used to take the train or he would come to me. Nice guy. Took his virginity. He broke up with me for someone else. Years ago we found eachother on myspace and he apologized to me for dumping me though this wasn’t necessary because I wasn’t that broke up over him. We keep in touch a little bit. He is married with a son.

Kenny-(19) Straightedge, vegan. Kinda nerdy but nice. Asked me to marry him. My friends didnt like him. I ended up moving to Nor Cal and never spoke to him again. I felt uncomfortable with our relationship for some reason. Didn’t really care when we broke up though I was bummed that I left my vibrator in a box in his mom’s garage. He is married with kids and living in FL.

Greye-(19) Brief little fling. He was older, Straightedge. I think I was just looking for company. We hung out a little and had sex. He liked me a lot, said he loved me. I was uncomfortable with him and kinda grossed out by the physical stuff. He also dealt with depression and was really moody. I just avoided him afterwards and was thankful I wasn’t pregnant. I never talk to him and do not plan on it.

Mark-(20) Straightedge, vegan. Fun guy. We lived together in Nor Cal. We had a lot of fun together though we were both super messy and it caused fights. He asked me to marry him. Found out a few months later that he was having some bullshit internet “affair” with some chick. I cursed him out in front of his co-workers and then moved to Utah. He came to visit once but I was so annoyed by him that I purposely lost contact with him. We are now back in contact. He is married with kids in AZ. He invited me to Disneyland recently with his family but I declined.

Joey M(21-27)-Straightedge, vegan, awesome. Very important in my life! Met in Philly, fell in love, had a child, got married. Big impact on my life and who I am as a person now. However, we didnt have a perfect relationship. He had some shady female relationships that caused me great amounts of stress. He had issues with anger and used to throw things around the house. He made the first months after my son was born pure hell by yelling at me a lot. In 2005 he told me he didnt love me anymore and asked me to leave. I had to sleep on floors of friends houses with my kid until I had had enough and left for CA. Once we were gone he realized he fucked up. We reunited 6 weeks later and things were great. Then, 5 months later, he died.

Paul-(29) Straighedge, vegan. Knew him from the east coast, lives in CT. Came to visit me in CA and we ended up having sex. We decided to be an item, though I wasn’t sure how I felt because this was the first “thing” after Joey’s death. Didn’t really matter because 24 hours after he said he wanted me to be his lady he dumped me because he had been seeing someone else the whole time and I didn’t know. I was furious, of course, and was hesitant about staying friends after what I viewed to be absolute betrayal.However, we stayed friends and he came to visit a couple months later and cheated on that girl with me. ZING. When he went home, he broke it off with her and we discussed being an item again. I went to visit him in CT when I came to PA one spring break. We had sex and decided to try again to be together. I ended up breaking up with him because the distance drove me nuts and he was stressed out which gave him an attitude problem. I don’t deal well with attitude problems. Later, I started dating someone else and he was PISSED. We didn’t talk for a long time until we got over our issues and he came out a year ago and we had sex again and he asked me if I’d be with him. He had a girlfriend and said he wanted to be with me. Because of our past track record I declined. I still talk to him and he is one of my good friends. He is with that last girlfriend, again, and things seem to be going well. I wish him luck.

Chris-(29) Straightedge, vegan. Long time acquaintance turned friend. Very nice, funny. I really liked him. We had sex, were in a serious relationship. He wanted me to move to PA and live in his house with Asher. I was so smitten with him and was willing to give up everything to be with him. I bought plane tickets to see him multiple times and even paid for him to visit me. The distance made me crazy because even though I knew he was a trustworthy person, I felt like any second he was gonna call me and tell he had met someone else. Instead, he dumped me one evening while lying in bed and after refusing to have sex with me. His reasons for this are a little foggy now, it’s been almost 2 years,  but I recall that he said the combo of Asher and I was too much. Our relationship stressed him out and he wasn’t “feelin it” anymore. I was really shocked and hurt a lot. I felt like I had let myself get vulnerable again after Joey’s death and it had backfired on me. I shouldn’t have put so much emotion and energy into it but I thought that was the right thing to so. I am no longer hurt, I still talk to him daily and I would fight a bear for him. One of my best friends, I have no ill feelings towards him at all. He’s a good dude but not the one for me and that is totally ok.

Justin-(30) Ha! My “not boyfriend” who got jealous like a boyfriend. Not attracted to him but he was good in bed. He is kind of a dick. We still talk but havent had sex since Jan or something like that. He irritates me most of the time. He’s a huge baby, whines about everything all the damn time and gets butthurt over the smallest things. He needs to grow a pair and shut the fuck up.

Efren-(30-31)-Bah. Efren. Never has someone caused me so much heartache and frustration for no reason. Never was my boyfriend but when I ended our relationship he decided to never speak to me again. He was bossy and I paid for everything all the time. Lent him money when he got stuck in India, I have yet to get it all back. Great times in bed, funny guy. Asher wasn’t into him. Two nights before I was slated to meet up with Brian, Efren broke down crying and told me he loved me. He said he wanted to be with me but had so many issues it was impossible. He told me he often thought about living with me and that I made him happy. He didn’t think we needed to label our relationship and I was uncomfortable with that. I wanted a boyfriend and someone to make a future with. I always felt like he would walk away from me at any moment because he would constantly talk about how unhappy he was with his life. I felt like I was part of his unhappiness. He hates me now. It kinda hurts still. I wish he was still my friend, I enjoyed our conversations and spending time together. I am hoping one day he will come around and we can be friends again. As much as I feel angry for the way he just turned his back on me I am also saddened by the loss of a friend and that hurts the most.

MAFR-(30) I am so uncomfortable with this person I don’t even want to talk about it. I am disgusted by this entire situation and it makes me want to barf just thinking about it. It also is the reason I have decided that I will never date anyone who is super fat. GROSS. I also realized that I hate obnoxious, rude and tactless people and they embarrass the hell out of me. GAG. Terrible, terrible experience that caused me endless amounts of stress. I will NEVER make this mistake again. I want to punch myself in the face for getting involved, however slight, with someone like this again.

Justin, Efren and MAFR overlapped at some points. They don’t know this though. MAFR went away just as fast as he came. Justin went away in November 2009 and came back briefly in Dec 2009. Once Efren and I got more serious in Jan I didn’t deal with anyone else. I was happy with Efren but he caused me a lot of anxiety because of his inability to commit to me. I had a few panic attacks due to him triggering me and ended up going to the hospital for one of them.

Brian (Currently)-Great dude. He loves me. He says I am what he has been waiting for. I feel like I am going to fuck it up though. Great listener, friend and companion. We have talked about living together in the near future and the possibility of having a child together. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him and enjoying it. Currently, my intense fear of abandonment has me feeling anxious but I am working on fixing that.

(to be continued and updated when I remember more….I’m tired)

I remember Joey telling me, a few months before he died, that when he rode down a certain hill on his way home from work it was as close to the feeling of flying he’s ever had. He said he felt free, powerful and happy every time he road down that hill. He was killed a little ways down from that hill and I like to think that he was still high on the happiness of speeding down it when he died. As sad as his death was for me it does make me happy that he died while doing something he really loved. I am also glad that this love has slowly crept back into my life.

After Joey died I was afraid to get onto a bike for a few years. It wasn’t just a fear of being killed by a car, though that is a genuine concern for bicyclists riding with today’s distracted motorists. Riding a bike has been a huge reminder of Joey dying. I haven’t been afraid that I would die on a bike, I have been afraid to be reminded that Joey did.

When the cops came to my house at 5am to tell me that my husband had been in an accident and didn’t survive my brain was filled with mental images of his mangled body. He had been hit from behind by a drunk driver and then hit again by a police officer. Because it was late at night when the drunk driver hit him, a police officer only saw a swerving car and had intended to pull them over. Instead, the officer ran over and then dragged my 30 yr old husband to his death. After the autopsy, the death certificate read that his death was due to “multiple traumatic injuries”. Reading “multiple traumatic injuries” was devastating and brought me to tears every time I thought about it. It wasn’t just the idea that Joey had died but that he had died in such a frightening way. The woman who owned the home that Joey died in front of wrote me a letter. She told me had heard the commotion and ran outside to find my husband bleeding to death. She ran into her home and brought a blanket out to wrap him in to keep him warm until the paramedics arrived. She said she held him in her arms while the paramedics worked on him and was there the moment he died. She said she will never forget him and wanted me to know that the paramedics did all they could. Later that day the news showed images of his mangled road bike. When I was given his belongings I found my house key twisted and torn. It was a physical reminder of how violent the crash had been. Mangled bodies and bikes always accompany thoughts of Joey’s death. For this reason I have avoided bikes in general.

I do not want to avoid bikes anymore. A year ago I faced my bike fears and bought a cute little cruiser bike that weighs about 6000 pounds. I like it though and it’s fun to ride around whenever I feel like I want to kick cars in the face. I want to hate cars, not bikes. I want to remember that people die in cars everyday. I want to remember that people die doing all kinds of things everyday and they also die doing nothing. I want to remember that people die no matter what and I shouldn’t let a fear of death stop me from doing something joyful. It is reasonable to avoid dying but it is a whole other thing to fear it to the point of affecting ones life in a negative way.

I want to ride a bike everyday. I want to ride to school, to the store, to my friends houses, and to no where in particular. I want to ride 1 mile, 10 miles and 100 miles. I don’t care if I am too chubby, out of shape or clumsy. I am going to ride a bike anyways and I am going to like it.